From situationships to ghosting – how do we navigate modern dating?
ANU researcher Adam Bode has advice for heartbroken singles lost in a sea of swipes.
Article by:
Elaine Obran
ANU Reporter Senior Writer
Dating is not what it used to be.
Where we once had poetic love notes sent to battlefields, carefully crafted mixtapes and Facebook pokes – we now live in a world where dating can feel like an interview, applying for the role as “the one.”
Dating in the 21st century has also brought with it a seemingly never-ending list of buzzwords to add to our lexicon. The latest is “situationships.”
A portmanteau of the words ‘situation’ and ‘relationship’, a situationship describes the murky period of seeing someone – texting, flirting and other stereotypical couple activities – without a label to define it beyond that.
While situationships aren’t always a bad thing, Adam Bode, a PhD scholar from The Australian National University (ANU) and our unofficial “love doctor in training”, explains that such arrangements can incite mixed emotions from involved parties.
“Situationships could be stressful for some involved,” says Bode.
“Often, individuals have an idea about what they want their relationships to look like. Despite the popular media attention and promotion of consensual non-monogamy, most people want to commit socially and sexually monogamous relationships with their long-term partners.
“Stress or unpleasantness could arise when an individual wants a sexually and socially monogamous committed relationship but does not have it. Satisfaction may be present in individuals who may be less inclined to commit. The question of stress is relevant when an individual’s wants are not being met.”
It’s been said that love is a verb, not a noun, but an action that has undoubtedly changed over time.
While today’s courting stage is slightly different to the steamy handholding and en plein air dates of the 19th century, the popular ‘friends to lovers’ trope from romance novels has its roots in the past.
“Historically, even the notion of courting someone with whom you did not have a friendship was less common than we are led to believe,” Bode says.
“Research from 2021 found that the majority of romantic relationships in the United States form out of pre-existing friendships, and this continues to be the preferred manner of romantic relationship formation.”
Whether you’re in a situationship or officially dating your best friend, open communication is essential to establishing healthy boundaries.
“I’m not a professional psychologist or relationship counsellor, but it seems to me that honest and open communication is important in all types of relationships,” Bode says.
“If one person is not ready to commit to the sort of relationship the other individual desires, it might be useful to wait it out a bit longer in some circumstances. Ultimately though, who wants to be in an unsatisfying romantic relationship? If someone wants more but the other person isn’t ready or prepared to meet those expectations, it is important both parties know, so informed decisions can be made.”
But communication is rarely as easy as swiping left or right on a dating app.
The term ‘ghosting’ – the act of suddenly ending a relationship without explanation or warning – has given people the ability to hide behind screens, skirt around accountability and emotionally detach from the impact of read receipts.
“Ghosting is a part of modern dating, especially in the context of online dating. When an individual does not want anything more to do with another individual, the easiest way to convey that is to ignore the other person. It involves almost no effort.,” Bode says.
“From the perspective of the person being ghosted, however, it can appear quite jarring, especially if that person had an interest in continuing or furthering a relationship with the other person.
“Honestly, the best thing an individual being ghosted could do is to recognise this is being done, accept it, and move on. Once you’ve been ghosted, it is very unlikely you could change the mind of the person doing the ghosting.”
While dating in the digital era may make those searching for love feel dependent on algorithms, those with visions of rom-com romances and meet-cute moments should not give up hope.
“There is a misperception that online dating is the only way to go, and online dating brings with it a range of problems including, ghosting, but also superficiality, relative anonymity, and poor judgement,” Bode says.
“Recent research from the United States shows that while online dating is one of the most common ways couples meet each other, finding partners through friends, family, school, work, and hobbies is still how the overwhelming majority of couples meet.
“Don’t limit yourself to online dating. Get out there and experience life and take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.”
Top image: Finger of woman pushing heart icon on screen. Photo: oatawa/shutterstock.com
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